I’m not going to beat around the bush here, ill just state a fact. Everybody loves a compliment. “Hey, I love your hair/ jacket/makeup/clothes!” We’ve all heard it, and felt the rush of gratefulness at hearing the nice things. We blush, or brush it off, but on the whole it makes us feel good. But did you know that saying the nice things can also make you feel good?

I did kinda know this, without being fully aware of the science behind it. But I used my hundreds of examples of supportive women’s bathrooms as a measure of how giving compliments made me feel good and warm and fuzzy. I thought I would do it for a week; as a social experiment, and for myself and my own mood. Before I tell you my findings (which go way beyond what I expected), here’s the science.

For the person receiving compliments: In line with the theory of social reward, we take it as encouragement, our self esteem is increased, trust is built, and we can learn better and build better memory function if we are complimented while doing tasks. If someone compliments you on a good job at work, or great practice learning a new language, you will do better at those things! But, the most fascinating bit about the physiology of receiving a compliment; is the connection between the brain receptors when it happens. The Striatum receptor lights up in your brain, pinging feel goods right in the reward centre AND it is the SAME receptor that lights up when we receive a monetary reward. Therefore, compliments are literal gold for us to receive.

But what about the compliment giver? I said I did this experiment for selfish reasons, so how does another persons joy make us feel good? Well, when I looked into it. it actually shocked me a little. I thought I was going to find some Freudian examples of stroking our own egos for being “nice guys”; but instead, I found that the same positive effects that happen to the receiver, also happen to the giver. Like, almost verbatim. The trust, self esteem and social reward Striatum light up, all of em!

I was all in at this point, and set parameters on the experiment like:

I had to not know the person(its very easy to compliment friends and family members and even co-workers, it is harder and more fair to do this with a stranger)

The compliment had to be genuine (I didn’t want to make stuff up, and lie to peoples faces for the sake of a weekly blog)

It had to be during a normal everyday interaction (think along the lines of buying petrol, visits to the bank and running errands)

I had it do it with every interaction I had that wasn’t within my social circle (this included people that did not seem like they wanted extra interaction with me, I struggled with this the most).

I wont pretend that this was an easy challenge for me because it wasn’t, at times I deal with social anxiety, so it did force me into a difficult mental space where I had to talk myself into doing it. The first few were dealings with folks in the gym I visit, normally I have headphones on and go about my workouts and post workout routines, uninterrupted and unsocial. I told a lady I liked her trainers (which I did) and told the gym attendant he was very kind for holding the push door button open for me leaving (normally I would just say thanks and not elaborate). What I found was, even though I felt a little awkward, I greatly overestimated how unenthused these people would be by my remarks. they were gracious and happy, when I fully expected them to be indifferent.

After a few days, I got the hang of throwing nice compliments into social interactions, a “you have a great attitude”, or “you’re so kind”, or “you look very cool” rolled off my tongue so easily, you would think id been doing it for years. and, always met with positivity and enthusiasm, it left me with a pep in my step. This complimenting thing was easyyy with a capital E.

I was becoming quite cocky with my mission when I came up against my first hurdle; a telephone contact that seemed like shed rather be anywhere else than taking my phone call. I panicked a little, at the thought of rejection of my impeding niceness but I politely said to her “aww you sound a little unenthusiastic. is it just one of those days?” Something I would never say to someone I don’t know, on a phone call to do with my own life.

She was a little shocked by this but simply replied “yeah you guessed it”, and I saw my opportunity for a genuine compliment using empathy- I’ve had those days, and they can be hard to get through, and even showing up to work is admirable when you want to say f*&k it! To my surprise, she returned the compliment, in a much cheerier tone, thanking me for my patience.

My second hurdle was with a few people that are focused on the task at hand, and (not intentionally)unaware of their surroundings. This was quite true with a guy in the bank, when I was retrieving some savings, he had his head down doing his work, which meant I would have to get his attention to fulfil my complimentary duties. I opted for a simple option in telling him he was really efficient and helpful at the end, and doing so, got my first eye contact and even a cheeky smile. These types of people were the hardest to engage with, but, in their defence, I would whole-heartily recognise that people do not owe me (or anyone for that matter) extended interaction. Life is hard man, sometimes you just gotta get through the day!

There was however, a strange side-effect I noticed directly after giving the compliments which I’m sure will need scientific proof to back it up. But for me, after every complimentary experience, along with the feel good glow I was feeling, I also noticed my own surroundings more… to which I noticed other people doing wholesome things, which I don’t think I would’ve noticed under normal circumstances!

For example after one interaction, I saw a guy walking down the street outside listening to music and really singing along and it made me giggle; and after another, I saw a woman tickle her toddler in the pram and make faces at him which filled me with joy. These endearing events could well have been coincidence, but I choose to believe that they are a result of me feeding my brain the dopamine via the compliment train, and then it went looking for a further supply. Either way, I’m not mad at these lovely experiences…

The week as a whole has left me energised and wanting to adopt more random compliments into my lifestyle to carry on the good work. So the next time you notice something cool on a stranger, or feel like someone’s doing a good job, tell them. For selfish and unselfish reasons!